Values, Control, and the Modernist Condition

The modern way of doing things is strikingly superior to any other … as long as it is measured in terms of value for money.

—Zygmunt Bauman, Thinking Sociologically

Today I’m going to reveal my Inner Nerd in order to reveal my Inner Modernist.

One of the discussions we had, early on during the course last week, touched on what Debra called ‘keeping your ducks in a row‘.

In the context of mindfulness, this is reference to needing to maintain control over your external life.

When I heard Debra speaking about this, I immediately thought of Zygmunt Bauman.

Unleash the sociology nerd …

In his book Thinking Sociologically, Bauman (with Tim May) discusses numerous binary lenses. Not all of these binaries make sense (safety and freedom, for instance) when you put on differently-framed goggles.

Nevertheless, one of these interesting binaries is order and chaos.

Modernist thought, Bauman writes, is marked by an obsession with evidence, visuality and visibility.

The segmentation and categorisation of our world—the ordering of public life—while revolutionary and admirable … is, however, bound to fail.

In finding solutions to the chaos … The more other factors are left out of account in the process, the shorter, cheaper and thus more rational will be the recommendations provided by the team given the task of ‘solving’ …

The struggle is bound to remain inconclusive because the struggle itself is the most important obstacle to its success.

—Zygmunt Bauman, Thinking Sociologically

I’m revisiting this idea this week because in the past few days we’ve been talking about values.

As Emily puts it:

When we’re living in alignment with our values, we tend to feel more alive, present, engaged, peaceful, and fulfilled – even during times of challenge. When we’re out of alignment, we tend to feel depleted, stressed, desperate, and stuck.

   —Emily Bennington

The correlation I’ve made here is that our plans for action in the world, our surroundings, our processes and planning—are often mistakenly our measure of success. We strive for external approval, we tick boxes, we write to-do lists, we look to trendspotters and fashion mavens (and our peers) for guidance … in order that we have the cleanest process, the letters after our name, the better job …

But many thing in this life just are out of our control.

This is a lesson that hits hard when you become a parent. It came home to me almost the moment I became pregnant.

I had a stimulating, fast-paced job in the political bureau of the national television broadcaster in Australia’s Parliament House. I was working my way towards a career in television. I figured (after I’d got over the surprise of being pregnant) that I’d take maternity leave, have the baby, go back to work after a while …

But then I started vomiting in office rubbish bins during a federal election campaign. It wasn’t an especially magnificent look. It seemed like my body was telling me to STOP. And that wasn’t part of the plan. 

Life—and parenting especially—is full of these moments. I has been for me, anyway. And each time I think I’m getting better at managing my environment, my non-automaton-not-robot-offspring throw me a new challenge. Like turning into teenagers.

A reminder that life is always changing.

This week, we were tasked with writing a list of our values in life, because (thanks Emily!):

… getting clear on what matters most is one of the most effective tools for helping us BE our highest self in order to reach our highest goals.

Separating our values from our goals is a useful exercise. Writers often think about this separation as the difference between PLOT (or action) and THEME (or ideas). The idea being that themes are good fodder for getting to the bottom of character motivation.

It can be hard to separate the two when you first start thinking about this stuff, but my tip for this is:

Goals work in specific contexts.

Values are transportable. 

So, when it comes to keeping ducks in a row, and bowing to the Modernist condition, it’s good to know that these things are EXTERNAL. And that when we live in alignment with our INNER values we need not chase the ducks or try to maintain order in the hopes that this will make us happy.

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“Welcome aboard Inner Critic Airlines”

ready to board the early morning flight

I haven’t been able to complete one of the tasks set in the course this week. We were asked to share with the group how loud our Inner Critic is.

The Inner Critic is that voice who begs to differ. She’s the one who reminds you of your fears. She’s the one who puts the brakes on.

So I haven’t done this exercise because, at the moment, I am strapped into the passenger seat, waiting for take-off.

My Inner Critic is alive and well, and quite comfortable in the pilot’s seat.

I know my IC is driving because as soon as I had to tell the group how loud her voice is day-to-day … I couldn’t do it. I was too scared to even think about it.

“Looks like that would be a risk,” my IC announced over the intercom. “You know you’ll look stupid if you share your opinion. 

“Why not strap yourself into the safety of the passenger seat instead?

“Oh, and welcome aboard, valued frequent flyer, by the way. Glad you could join us. Again.”

Ah, Risk and Opinion. My old pals.

Unfortunately, when my Inner Critic enters the aircraft, I don’t push her away or ignore her, as it was suggested most people do. Nope, like a well-trained passenger, I listen to her announcements.

And it sucks. A lot.

Mothers and daughters

Some years ago, I did a course about caring for daughters. (I probably did it out of fear that I’d do something wrong in the future, now that I think about it. Oh well. *Raises eyebrow. Lets it be.*) It covered such things as: helping girls gain good attitudes towards money, mother-daughter communication, healthy eating, and so forth.

One of the topics was ‘negative self-talk‘, and there’s no doubt this is a big one for teenaged girls. I see it in the proliferation of self-deprecating comments tagging selfies on Instagram and Facebook. I see it all over Tumblr, where some of the one-liners posted are heartfelt cries for approval. Some are, admittedly, lines quoted from popular songs … but heck, that ain’t much consolation. Because it’s clear there’s a booming culture around negative self-talk.

I haven’t talked much with my own daughter about this. I’ve touched on it, and it’s been met with defensiveness and emotion. I recognise that reaction, and I haven’t known what to do with it.

But this week, Debra handed me a lovely pair of tools that I think are going to  be helpful if I end up strapped into the passenger seat. And if I happen to see my daughter buckling her seatbelt.

1. Name it. Acknowledge that the Inner Critic has come online.

I see that fear is in the room. I see that fear is in this space.

—from Tara Brach

2. Keep the good stuff. Because there’s gold in there somewhere.

As it was put to us: this voice has been with you for a very long time and it has evolved and served you well over the years as a guide to help you place boundaries and assess risks. It’s an old friend, who doesn’t understand that context changes – and fast, in this liquid modern, digital age. So consider its message, and consider changing the way you relate to it.

For me, these two approaches are a start. Even if I can only get as far as the first one, I know I’ve taken a step in the right direction. (Ahem, the pilot’s seat.)

Now I just need to trust that I will be able to talk to my daughter about her relationship with her Inner Critic when the time comes.

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